We've been in "vocational" ministry now for just about a year now. And it just seemed fitting to share a peek into the behind-the-scenes life of a pastor....well...a pastor's wife anyways.
I used to wonder what it was like to be a pastor's wife. In a lot of ways, it looked fun, exciting, and adventurous. And, since we're being honest, I was even somewhat jealous. I know...silly. But with a flexible work schedule for the hubs, dedicated time to building relationships, and the ability to have the hubs home in the evenings seemed to good to be true to me. You see, my husband used to be a mechanic for UPS, and worked nights for most of our marriage and pretty much all of our kiddos' lives. So you can imagine my excitement when God called us into vocational ministry. I had BIG dreams for us and visions of doing lots of things side-by-side, neck deep, and arm-in-arm in loving others for Jesus.
You sense a "but" here, don't you??
Welp...you're right.
But.
Turns out, vocational ministry is not at all what I envisioned. Well...not completely anyways.
The hardest adjustment has been my role actually. Now, hear me....what I'm about to share with you are my honest struggles. But please understand....they are not easy for me to admit. I don't like to show weakness. But I'm learning that in my weakness, Jesus is glorified. So hear I am...
You see, I had envisioned a completely different role then what actually has unfolded for me. We all know what it's like to have that, right? To imagine something, to be ecstatic about something, to dream about something....and then to have it turn out upside-down to those dreams and expectations.
It stings....a lot.
It made me angry...and left asking a lot of questions.
Why would God allow me to endure one of the most horrific years of my life, only to allow my dreams to be obliterated?? Why would God call me into something that has made me feel miserable?? Why do I feel tossed aside??
The world would say that these are valid questions. But you see, these are actually the result of a condition and the product of a perspective shift.
What I should have been asking was:
"How can God use me in this new role? Where can I use my passions/giftings for Him? What is God calling me into this unique role for?"
But I didn't ask those questions. I didn't want to ask those questions. I wanted to stew. I wanted to wallow. I wanted to give into my selfish rants.
So I did.
And you know what? It left me feeling miserable, lonely, and cranky. (Imagine that.) I was an absolute gift to my family too, as I'm sure you can imagine.
It's taken me most of this year, but I'm beginning to shift that perspective. I'm learning to look at this with a new lens. And I'm finding joy and contentment in this season of life.
And guess what?
God is beginning to weave my dreams into His plans and it's a thing of absolute beauty.
This picture is a reminder to me of that. I am literally the only person on this planet that can be in this role for this man. And it's an honor and a privilege to be serving him and next to him as we navigate this together- arm-in-arm. And it's even more humbling and exciting to be doing this for God's glory and to further His kingdom. Don't get me wrong...I'm still a work in progress. The refining process is a lengthy and sometimes painful one. But the end result is well worth the process.